So, as opposed to my work on The Internauts, I've decided to employ my own little rating system here on Player Wins, and it's fairly easy to understand. I'm not going to rate a game like everyone else would, using higher numbers, letters or amount of inanimate objects to portray quality, oh no.

On my scale, the less a game scores, the better! I've decided to use the always prevalent, always appropriate middle finger to get my point across. Essentially, I'm going to be running on a reverse 5-star rating system. What this means is that the fewer fingers a game receives, the better the quality.

Another thing I should probably explain is the "Current Rating" score for the games I'm featuring as "Now Playing". This rating isn't my final stance on the game, and is intended to be used as a kind of gauge for how I feel about the game as I progress. For instance, if I find myself enjoying a game immensely from the start, it will most likely be receiving a low middle finger ratio, but as I continue to play, and my feelings towards the game (inevitably) sour, that ratio may possibly rise. For games I've finished but are still playing, I'll have a final rating, but may not always have an accompanying review.

All in all, I think it's a simple and entirely suitable system, so get used to it!

After much deliberation, many discussions, and a fair few internal arguments, I've come to my conclusion: I decided to start my own blog/site. Insane, I know, but hear me out!

Considering the fact that the shit you pull out of your navel is likely to have a blog in this day and age, this may not come as a genuine shock, but to many who know me, who know the things I've done (or lack thereof), they'll know this is quite a step. Most importantly to me, this means I've got a voice outside of The Internauts.net, my pet project with my best of friends for nearly a year now. While I love working on the site and brainstorming ideas for neat things to write with my fellow Nauts, I really feel like I need something that belongs wholly to me, and that's where this place comes in.

I've got an Internauts blog that I update occasionally, but I usually find myself discussing site related matters, mostly because my role has always been in an administration capacity first and foremost.

Anyways, Player Wins is going to be yet another place for me to discuss games. Surprise! It's what I do. Since my interest in writing stuff continues to grow exponentially as I continue to produce my inane crap, I figure I need a place to let that keep growing. I also need as many outlets as possible for my bitching!

As an ever-expanding group of people, game enthusiasts are, on occasion, one of the most tightly knit communities out there. We're also an extremely young community, with only around 40 or so years of existence. As the saying goes, wisdom comes with age, which is probably why ¾ of the gaming population is full of assholes, whiners, fanboys, racists and homophobic children. This being so, it's doubtful that there's a single other community out there with such an all-encompassing sense of self-loathing.

The ways in which you can further segregate fans of video games is unending, and for every separation made, there arises a flame war of hilarious proportions. From the Xbots to the SDF, the weeaboo Square-Enix fans to the Indie fags, everybody hates somebody in the world of games and here's a list of the top 5 worst offenders.

5. Sonic Fans

What can be said of Sonic fans that hasn't already been approved, sealed, stamped, mailed to the Internet at large, and then used in every conversation we've ever had with this piteous group of furry dong loving sociopaths?

The always positive, consistently abused Sonic fan is nothing if not loyal. Despite the fact that Sonic, and his myriad of repulsive furry-bait friends, hasn't garnered more than a casual glance, and immediate bowel movement, from the gaming masses at large since the Dreamcast (Over 10 years old now) says something about the kind of standards Sonic Team needs to live up to.

Sonic has also moved beyond the spectrum of video games, and I'm inclined to think these other media projects account for 90% of the fuzzy suit wearing fans involved in the Sonic “community” today. Things like the erotically charged Archie comics series of Sonic have done wonders in dragging closet furries into the fold, with it's dazzling tales of chipmunk romance, robotic rabbit love and hedgehog fellatio. It seems that as these sordid tales began to become more popular than running really fast and beating up a rotund old man, with a penchant for kidnapping little critters and/or creating machines of the mean bean variety, Sega decided it was best for Sonic to stop being rad and start kissing underage humans. Not only have these fox craving lunatics ruined a once proud mascot and franchise, but they've kept him in this horrible position for nearly a decade.


Oh, God! Look at that tail!

There is one good thing to be said about the Sonic fans, though, and that's that they don't bother anyone. Sure, if you say the series sucks anywhere on the internet, you're guaranteed to have a Sonic fan stop banging a dude in a teddy bear suit and show up to throw a few rudimentary curses your way, but in general, they're a peaceful lot.

Years active: Nearly a decade
Average age: 12 and up (way up)
Screen name consistences: Shadow references, X's, the words Angel, Metal, Super, Mecha, Chaos
Where to find: Any Sonic fansite, DeviantART, Furcadia, the deepest bowels of furry pornography Hell
How to agitate: Talk mess about Sally Acorn, tell them anthropomorphic animals don't exist
Hobbies: Masturbating to anything Sonic related, searching for Amy Rose up-skirts, banging stuffed animals

4. Square Super-Fans

Square “super-fans”, as a rule, must be either 13-16 years old, or else have experienced their sexual awakening during the release of Final Fantasy VII in 1997. Another pre-requisite to the super-fan is that they can't have played any other Square game released before 1997, and generally haven't played another RPG dated before that same period; although most have a retroactive love for Chrono Trigger. They also don't know who the fuck Enix is, or why their merger with Square was such a big deal. Younger Square super-fans and females tend to have a stronger connection to the Kingdom Hearts series.

Actually very comparable to Sonic fans, Square super-fans often get up to a lot of masturbation over characters from the Final Fantasy series. In particular, Tifa (of FFVII) and Rikku (of FFX) tend to get the lion's share of the attention, starring in many pieces of fan art, and are usually depicted in positions and circumstances never intended. On the “other side of the fence” most man-love tends to be directed towards the characters of Kingdom Hearts, with dozens of the innumerable zippers depicted in the character designs wide-open, often revealing some type of homosexual prize.

Aside from the fact that Square super-fans love to get their fictional character mack on, they also have a profound need to hang on to past games and characters as if their life depended on it. It's no surprise that Final Fantasy VII has already shown up twice here, mostly because it's the most widely beloved entry in the series, despite the fact the game has aged poorly and many better RPG's, both in terms of gameplay and story, have come out since. Square super-fans simply can't seem to let it go. Over a decade later, there are still in-depth discussions about the story of FFVII, and many a horny teenager has grown into a sad, lonely, sex deprived man because of it.

The scariest group of Square super-fans are easily the females. While the majority of the males do us all a favor by keeping themselves out of sight, the females have an unfortunate habit of routinely displaying themselves in public, often with disastrous results. No person who uses the internet on a daily basis has been fortunate enough to avoid pictures of cosplay, and in the game community, no group is a bigger advocate of the harrowing art of dressing up in plastic clothes five sizes too small than the Square super-fans. Whether it be a Lulu the size of a baby whale, or a member of Organization XIII who's overly tight robes leave nothing to the imagination, our eyes are assaulted by these aversions to human nature who show no pity, and it's these acts of public indecency that put them over the Sonic fans.















This...what is this? Oh...uh...I guess that's...hmm.

Years active: 1997 - Current
Average age: 14 to late 20's
Screen name consistences: Variations of the names Cloud Strife, Squall, Sora, Crono and Sephiroth; Dragonball references; usage of the words Life, Love, Dark, Holy, Angel and variations of the acronym FF
Where to find: GameFAQs, DeviantART, Anime porn sites
How to agitate: Praise an RPG series that isn't FF, tell them Kingdom Hearts has camera problems, misspell Crono as Chrono, bring up FFXIII being multiplatform
Hobbies: Masturbating in general, making fake swords out of cardboard, crying over Aerith, spiking their hair in the mirror and flexing their flab/bones, getting angsty when their mother tells them to go to bed

3. Wapanese Elitists

Did you know in Japan Mega Man is called Rockman? Did you know Final Fantasy III in North America is actually Final Fantasy VI in Japan? And did you know that once something is localized, it's complete trash? If you didn't, you sure as shit know by this point, thanks to the seemingly ever-present Wapanese Elitist.

A loser in school and even more so out of it, the Wapanese Elitist needs, more than anything, to be a snob about something. Unfortunately for those of us who simply don't give a shit, that something is being a complete asshole about games of Japanese origin. Choosing one of the more obscure elitist cultures to become a part of (why not listen to Metal instead?) these wannabe Japanese white kids finally found something they can feel good about, even if it means forgoing the loss of virginity until either money or some form of date-rape pill is involved.

Not only is the Wapanese Elitist a complete tool about Dragon Warrior (DRAGON QUEST) he also has something stupid to say about every aspect of Japanese culture. From movies to music and, God forbid you get involved in this conversation, anime, these bastions of the Wikipedia page on Japanese culture are impossible to deal with. Any mention of a localized Japanese game is immediately followed by some kind of insipid factoid about the Japanese name of said game, or else changes made to it that make the localized version inferior.

Another fantastic trait all Wapanese Elitists share is their inability to use English names. It could take you awhile to understand exactly what they're talking about when they bring up Panel de Pon, until you realize they're talking about Tetris Attack and stop listening anyways.

On top of all of their annoying gripes about localized video games, the lack of dating-sims and children touching games, the disparity between Japanese culture and North American culture, and the fact that Super Mario Bros. 2 is a totally different game in Japan, they insist on using chibi-faces, and in worst case scenarios, Japanese honorifics.

A complete fucking bane to us all, I think I speak for everyone when I say: Shut the hell up! We all know about Doki Doki Panic, asshole.

Years active: Late 90's - Current
Average age: 20 and up, most Wapanese Elitists of this intensity have been at it for awhile, although the availability of this information means they're starting at a younger age.
Screen name consistences: Use of Japanese honorifics (chan, san, kun, senpai), references to obscure Japanese games, or any other commonplace facet of Japanese culture (Jpop, anime, NINJAS)
Where to find: Unfortunately, everywhere
How to agitate: Use a common Japanese word improperly on purpose, talk about a localized game in a superior light, pronounce Japanese game titles “incorrectly”
Hobbies: Downloading gigs of Hentai, reading manga, bringing up obscure Japanese games in conversation for e-peen points, getting beat up at school

2. Xbox Live Kids

While most of the previous groups have been up to their bullshit for a long time now, one of the worst happens to be one of the youngest. Not just in terms of how long they've been around, but in terms of their actual age. It's become something of a legend at this point, and detractors of the service routinely bring them up, but there's no denying the existence of the Xbox Live Kids.

Born from the screaming vaginal cavity of an eternally tortured succumbs, seeded by a homophobic member of the KKK with bad table manners and the mouth of a sailor, XBL Kids are the loudest, most foul-mouthed, bigoted, spoiled little sperm-wastes to soil the planets surface. Devoid of any parental figure, these manner-less heirs to the throne of the devil will curse you into stupor if you pick up the rocket launcher before they do; their pre-pubescent voices beating a tattoo of childish hatred into your eardrums.


There! Now you've experienced Xbox Live Matchmaking!

If you listen closely, you'll often pick up on curses and insults that you, as a fully-grown human being, didn't even know existed. From the latest in racial slurs to the newest word the youth of the world have raped with their izzle's and shizzle's, the things you'll learn will be astounding. Even if you do nothing to provoke these sovereigns of the spoken caps lock, be warned that your epitaph will soon be beaten into the side of your skull, and it won't be gentle. Amongst the tea-bagging and team-killing that you're generally accustomed to, you may actually find a sane youngster amongst the masses of internet tough-kids who refuse to wash their hands before dinner; these are rare, however, and must still be approached with caution.

Among all of the groups listed here, very few will make you as physically ill as the XBL Kids will. It's hard to imagine that this group of children are the future, but remember that you may be lucky enough to be dead by the time any of them have to make a decision that will effect your life.

Years active: 2002 - Current
Average age: 8 - 14
Screen name consistences: marijuana references, gangster rap references, the number 69, “cleverly” disguised curse or slur words
Where to find: Any Xbox Live shooter, although you'll occasionally find one somewhere unexpected (Uno?)
How to agitate: Simply exist in the same virtual space
Hobbies: Whining, screaming, cookies and milk

1. Console Fanboys

This isn't a surprise to anyone, and it's probably the group the needs the least introduction, the console fanboys, the biggest waste of life since ol' Jack himself.

If there's a single thing in the entire world that keeps the video game community from growing up, it's the console fanboys. Among the most deplorable groups on the planet, the console fanboys are also the most shortsighted, irritating, and immature individuals in the community.

For some inexplicable reason, these pathetic individuals seem to think their fate is tied to that of their console manufacturer of choice. What makes these faceless industry giants the manufacturer of choice rarely relies on the quality of content released for said consoles, as advocates of the N64, original Xbox and PS3 continue to prove, but on some random astrological phenomenon. And if anything about that last sentence made you slightly angry, you're a fanboy. Get a life.

The truly astounding thing about console fanboys isn't the fact that they seemingly enjoy the use of only one single console, it's that other consoles, and by association fans of those consoles, are a sworn enemy, and they'll do absolutely anything to make their counterparts in this ridiculous war angry. It's a common misconception that console fanboys are, in fact, retarded; the problem with this statement is that it insults people with actual handicaps, as they have more mental capacity than ten of your average fanboys combined.


This is the kind of shit fanboys get up to.

Console fanboys also tend to be deaf, dumb and blind when it comes to contradictory information, or news that doesn't suit their taste. This allows them to ignore things they dislike, disappear from a conversation when they're proved wrong, or simply ignore plain facts when they're staring them in the face. One common trait of the console fanboy is their ability to love anything and everything released for their console of choice, despite how mediocre they may be. You need go no further than the imaginary war PS3 fans cobbled together for themselves when Gears of War 2 released against Resistance 2 last year, a war they thought actually mattered. The same can be said with the release of MGS4 on the PS3, when 360 fans declared that they had no interest in it, despite the fact many praised the rumors of a port somewhere down the line. And Nintendo fans...well, there's really no need to go that far down the hole of denial.

These are the type of people you find complaining about review scores, calling out reviewers on the difference between an 8.9 and a 9, and justifying their consoles worth by comparing scores of games not only released years apart, but sometimes in different genres. Even science has proved the pathetic nature of these sad excuse for human beings, as the following graph will show!



Amongst all of these groups of loathsome wastes of skin, the console fanboy stands tall as the single worst example of video game fans. This is why people think games are immature, and this is why we'll never shake the stereotype, it's because, in many ways, people like this make it true.

Years active: Forever
Average age: Any age
Screen name consistences: Anything involving their console of choice
Where to find: Any video game site ever created
How to agitate: Bring up a game on a competing platform
Hobbies: Complaining like a little bitch, having “serious” arguments in “who would win” threads, trolling game forums and blogs to cause shit, being lonely lonely individuals

The Playstation 2, as one of the largest and best selling videogame consoles in the world, is home to one of the most fantastic game libraries in recent memory. From Metal Gear Solid 3 and Okami, to Shadow of the Colossus and God of War, the PS2 is often held in high regard amongst the gaming public. As is entirely self-evident with any popular platform, the copious amount of absolutely abhorrent software that threatens to bury these modern-day classics is almost overwhelming, both in stench and quality.

Unfortunately, sometimes a game just won't have the polish to keep it afloat in the shit creek that is the bargain games market, and it gets lost amongst the floating turds that are Super Trucks Racing, Crime Life: Gang Wars, and Final Fantasy X. These sunken treasures are sometimes hauled up years later, often taking on a second life as something many people like to call a hidden gem.

Raw Danger, released in March of 2006 in Japan, and June of 2007 in North America, is the follow up to Disaster Report, an urban survival game where your only enemies are the forces of nature, and the ruined structures in which you're forced to traverse.



Developed by IREM, the Japanese development house known for arcade and console classics such as Lode Runner and R-Type, Raw Danger puts you in the role of several different characters, all of which share the same goal, survival. On Christmas Eve of the year 2010, Del-Ray, also known as the Geo City, the safest and most advanced city on the planet, is in the midst of celebrating just how awesome they are, when “shit” begins to go down. The extremely adept designers of this “accident waiting to happen” metropolis decided to build the city below sea level, with a gigantic levee in place to keep the Hudson River from flowing freely through the streets.

As the laws of disasters would dictate, it isn't too long before a torrential downpour puts a damper (Get it? Damp!) on the atmosphere, busting open the levee and sending the Hudson crashing down into Del-Ray. From there, you lead your decidedly feministic main character, Joshua the waiter, through what is some of the most intense, effective, and all-together engaging survival-action sequences in any game to date.

What really sinks the ship for Raw Danger is the lack of polish. In plainer terms, it looks worse than a first-gen PS2 game. This is somewhat of a large deal in a game where the environment and your surroundings play such a vital role, but it does more to give it a campy quality that truly sets it apart. Certainly, the scale of the disasters that surround you at all-times are vast, sometimes portraying mountain slides wiping out an entire section of a town, while you furiously row an emergency raft through the flooded streets, but the fidelity in which they're displayed is almost always disheartening, and it does nothing but make you wish IREM had some real money to sink into the series.


Yes, the game really does look this awful.

Where Raw Danger fails in visuals, it makes up for itself in gripping game mechanics. For instance, your health isn't measured in terms of HP, or any other such conventional mechanic, but instead simply takes into account your body temperature. Obviously, in a disaster involving flooding, a main concern is staying dry and keeping yourself warm. Raw Danger employs a conditions meter, comprised of your current status of your clothes, and the incline or decline of your current body temperature. As you make contact with water, either by stepping through it, being splashed by it, or being rained on, your clothes and body will begin to take effect. It's absolutely necessary to keep your shoes and clothes as dry as possible, as often as possible, in order to keep yourself warm. Running around in wet clothes will only result in your imminent death. Keeping warm is fairly simple, thanks to designated “survival points” where heaters are present, allowing you to dry your clothes and warm your body. In more dire situations, where the chance to dry your clothes seem far off, your best chance is to obtain and then cook a hot meal for yourself, which raises your body temperature back up.


Afore mentioned Survival Point. Cook some noodles!

The thing that makes these mechanics even more interesting are the various items and options you have for creating useful items from nothing. At the start of the game, you'll get a relatively small backpack that can hold several things, but as the game progresses, you'll be able to find larger backpacks, allowing for more items to be obtained, which you'll desperately need. Aside from standard fare, such as flashlights and ramen noodles, you'll come across certain items that can be a god send. Items such as umbrella's, warmer clothes and even pieces of trash could end up saving your life in the long run. Finding a garbage bag and some duct-tape, for instance, can keep you dry for a very long time, by combining both items to fashion yourself a makeshift rain coat, usable to keep the rain from soaking your clothes. Even weird odds and ends can be used to start fires, enabling you to cook meals when death's icy grip begins to take hold.


Garbage bag+tape = Life saver. Me:1 Rain:0

Yet another interesting take on this survival aspect comes in the form of clothes that can actually wear out. Fall from a ledge and need to scrap and drag yourself back up? You'll probably tear your pants, making them less effective when it comes to keeping you warm and dry. All around the game world you'll find different (sometimes ridiculous) clothing items, from children's hats to pink ear muffs and nurse uniforms. Depending on what the clothing is made from, and where it's worn, these different articles of clothing can last forever, or for a short duration. As an example, my garbage bag raincoat only took a couple of tears before becoming completely worthless, but my fuzzy pink gloves survived for nearly the entirety of my adventure.


You'll be stuck with this kid for the "main" portion of the game, and unlock new characters who play through the same time-frame in different scenarios. A cheap way to extend the length, but it works.

While having to deal with keeping your body warm and dry at all times is tough, trying to traverse some of the constantly changing, consistently crumbling environments is even more so. As you move about sections of the game, whether they're buildings falling apart at the seams, or completely flooded highways you need to traverse via jet-ski, there's always something huge and terrible right around the corner. At any given time all hell can just completely break loose, culminating in you being washed away by a vicious flood of water, or being crushed by debris. In these situations, the best course of action is either to run, or hold on for your life. Every one of these situations is not only tense and nerve-wrecking, but occasionally, it's fairly challenging.

Raw Danger is easily one of the most unique games I've garnered an affinity for, and amongst the many many under-the-radar games the PS2 has seen, it's one in which I would gladly recommend to anyone with a PS2. Despite its sub-standard graphics, stiff controls and overall lack of polish, Raw Danger stands out as a survival-action game like no other.


Actually not as lame as it looks.

In terms of availability, Raw Danger is most likely an easy pickup. While not overly common by any means, chances are if you scrounge through an EB/Gamestop or two, you'll come across a copy for $10 or below. Do yourself a favor and pick it up immediately, you won't regret it.

On very rare and altogether dismaying occasions, I'm cajoled into picking up a game that, under normal non-blue moon, frozen Hell circumstances, wouldn't even be on the fringes of my sorry excuse for mind. This happened quite recently, and the unfortunate purchase was You're in the Movies; what would seem to be a harmless camera-based party game. How wrong I was.

You're in the Movies, henceforth referred to as Shit, is, without question, one of the most broken piece of trash to ever sully the already trash-strewn shelves of game retailers. The basic premise of the game is that you and a couple friends, specifically friends you don't mind humiliating yourself in front of, become “actors” and take on specific roles in one of 30 unique movies. You then “compete” in a series of simple, motion-based mini-games, earning insignificant star power, and pulling ridiculous faces at the camera. Your “reward” for completing these often boring and rarely amusing “games” is a short, B-movie trailer; using all your actions and embarrassing facial contortions.

This, in itself, and all dislike for the pathetic mini-games aside, would be pretty amusing. In fact, I challenge you to watch at least one of these B-movie trailers starring your close friends and not crack up at it. I then challenge you to find a reason to play the game again, or find the next movie trailer as funny as the first. It won't happen. There are several reasons for this, one of the most prominent of which is the fact that the camera rarely fucking works!

In the course of trying Shit, my cohorts and I tried almost everything imaginable to get the fussy Live Vision camera to work as the game proposes it will, but to no avail. Before starting a session, Shit will ask for several things. The easiest of which is putting your camera in proper position so that everyone looks the correct size in the frame. The need to wear colorful clothing is also a must, as the camera can more readily pick you out from the background. Lighting, while not seemingly something that should make a gigantic difference, is a major problem. A shadow, or a slight change in lighting, whether from a ceiling fan, the movement of someone off camera, or the light from the TV itself, can leave your image nearly indecipherable, which, in turn, will make most, if not all of the mini-games impossible to play.

For example, I, as a person who rarely ventures beneath the searing orb that plagues the daylight hours of our planet, am as white as the fallen snow. When attempting to play against a white background, my arms and hands would sometimes disappear entirely, leaving me to look like a victim of some horrific war. And, try as a might, I couldn't get my stubby nubs to beat the drum quite like Shit wanted me to. On one occasion, where I needed to throw 3 poles as far as possible, my unfortunate handicap would not allow the game to continue. Other people attempted to throw the last diabolical pole, but the game wouldn't allow it, and instead decided it would be more amusing to sit there and blow an annoying horn while I flailed about like a seizure victim. In the end, Shit won out, and we were forced to restart our session.

Problems like this are abound in Shit, and for some odd reason seem to get worse the longer you play. By the third, and mercifully final, scenario we suffered through, entire pieces of our bodies began to disappear, so that most games were completely unplayable. The movie trailer that followed was a complete disaster as a result, often featuring people with gigantic holes through their chest, or missing limbs of every description.

While the women in my company were more than willing to continue play as their bodies crumpled all around them, I stoutly refused to continue under such conditions. Several relocations later, frustration led me to pull out an entire shower curtain, complete with rod, stack bar stools to the ceiling and drape it behind us, as a makeshift green screen. Unfortunately, because of subtle air currents, the merest movement from the curtain would cause the camera to have a panic attack, and a times completely cut out the person playing the game, or else feature the entire curtain in the scene, so that every game looked as if it was being played in a bathtub.

Even with a completely stationary background, sometimes the camera would add features into the picture that were nowhere near the person playing, resulting, once again, in some games being a completely pointless endeavor.

Shit is a troublesome game for quite a few reasons, the least of which is the fact that the paltry selection of mini-games are also entirely boring. The camera support is nothing short of atrocious, and there should be no reason at all for you to even give this game a try, let alone pay the hefty price to buy it. If there is, you're a shameful human being and you should probably consider suicide. There is a ray of hope for those of you disappointed with how poorly Shit turned out, though! That ray of hope? Own an actual green screen.

Last generation, few games took hold of me quite like Ubisoft's re-imagining of the Prince of Persia franchise. Indeed, I played The Sands of Time so many times I would wake up in the middle of the night and find myself halfway through it, the muscle memorization of my fingers the only thing required, consciousness be damned! Warrior Within was somewhat less successful at pulling me into that world, no doubt because the Prince seemed like someone I would meet brooding over The Nightmare Before Christmas merchandise at Hot Topic, while the environments wouldn't feel out of place scribbled on the trapper keeper of a 10th grader with “problems at home”. The third game in the series, The Two Thrones, took the things that worked about both previous entries, the setting and charm of the first, and the fighting and platforming mechanics of the second, and melded them together in what could be considered the “ultimate” Prince of Persia experience. So, needless to say, I'm somewhat of a fan of Prince of Persia, somewhat in this case meaning gigantic and fan meaning fanboy. When Ubisoft announced that they'd be re-imagining the Prince yet again, the benefit of the doubt was delivered onto them forthwith. Certainly an honor, as the benefit of my doubt is a rare thing, indeed. When I began to see HD videos of the game in motion, of the beautiful world that was being created, every doubt I had was swiftly eviscerated by the “Hype Sword” that was Ubisoft's promotional material.

But finally, the game has arrived, and in no time, I tore through Prince of Persia like a wild beast deprived of sustenance. And now, I sit here and attempt to judge a game that's difficult to judge. While musings of the ethereal kind are all but lost to me, Prince of Persia does make me think about games on somewhat of another level. Certainly, there is a game here, but on the other hand, there is an entirely different experience to behold.


The art style is immediately striking.

As a straight videogame, an entry into the action/platforming genre, I can't say that Prince of Persia is fantastic. In some cases, it succeeds in delivering what the series is known for, tight platforming sections, fantastic level design and satisfying “environmental puzzles”. In other cases, Prince of Persia fails to elicit much of a response from the part of me that wants to play a satisfying game.

The reason I say this is because, a lot of the time, the game feels entirely too automatic. Many platforming sections can be beaten without much of a thought, rock faces that look like they were carved by the devil himself, their only purpose to kill any poor individual who would attempt to traverse them, are as easily passable as pressing a button with the precise timing. And when I say “precise” I mean you've got a grace period roughly the length of an extended cut of the Lord of the Rings movies. Even the introduction of traps adds nothing to the experience, as your ability to avoid the first trap in a series is all that matters, anything after it will never have a chance to bring you to harm.

This isn't a difficulty thing, as some might believe, and others continue to claim. The main problem here is that I feel like I'm simply being put through a succession of quick time events, with the obvious omission of on-screen prompts. The only part of the game you really have direct “control” over are the one-on-one battles, which wear precariously thin about halfway through the game.


The boss battles are numerous, and tedious.

All that being said, enjoying Prince of Persia is still an entirely easy thing to do. The real enjoyment came from reaching each of the (numerous) healing gardens and watching the environments bloom into life. The subsequent backtrack through the reborn landscape was always a pleasure for the eyes to behold, and it was at these points where Prince of Persia really made it's mark. There's just something about the way the game is presented to you that really digs deep and resonates in a way that I find hard to accept from a game. When the joys you reap from a videogame have nothing to do with the act of playing it, is there really a game there worth playing? In a sense, wouldn't simply experiencing the sights and sounds for a short while achieve the same effect, and in that case, is this a game one could stoutly recommend as a game? Confounding.

The story, told through sporadic “visions” and one-on-one conversations between the Prince and Elika, the magic princess who's presence eliminates the need for a game over screen, is fairly charming and tends to get it's hooks in early, thanks to the commendable voice work delivered by both central characters. The ending, if you can constitute such actions as an end, is entirely engrossing and increases the craving for a sequel tenfold.

While my want for a sequel to this game is obviously present, my need for Ubisoft Montreal to alter the platforming mechanics are equally so, and twice as urgent. I want to play Prince of Persia, not watch it, as beautiful as it may be.

Prince of Persia is altogether odd. As a videogame, it fails to gain any true hold on the player via gameplay mechanics. In fact, it does a fairly good job of wresting said mechanics from the players grasp altogether, instead focusing them on their surroundings and the presentation of the game as a whole. As an experience, Prince of Persia is nothing short of exceptional, yet as a game, it has a way of losing your interest fairly quickly. In short, this is a must for videogame enthusiasts, but those looking for a satisfying game experience may need to look elsewhere.